Did ya hear that?? The flow of sounds. Screaming again and again. Even when I didn’t sing. Even when there are nobody singing. Even when the instrument goes off. Even when we’re sleeping. It keeps flowing in the air. Even..yeah, even when I really don’t wanna hear it, it comes again and again. Stroking the sentences that I wrote, destroying all the walls that I build, disturbing silence that I made, and the worst part is keeping my self in the corner of the edge.
It’s not a love, they said. The sound of love is warmer than this. If it’s love, it will destruct inside when the hurt comes. It’s not a hate it self, cus the sound comes without distortion in heavy volumes that might get people in trouble. It’s not a joy too. There’s no groove in their beats. And it’s absolutely not a curious. cus even I feel the beat, I really don’t wanna sing it, but it force me sometimes. All I know, it’s just a soft sound. A vague beats that surround the sky, flowing in the air.
This anonymous sound makes my life, but in the same time it ruins my day. Why? I really don’t have the answer. Maybe the words ‘the truth is out there’ not absolutely wrong. But where do I have to start searching? I don’t have a clue. Cus there’s a lot of things out there. Then I remember the old man’s said ‘if you get lost, go back to where it all began, find what’s wrong and get it right, then start again’. So, I try to go back in the beginning, where it all start..and then I remember when it comes first.
It’s all start years ago. Don’t know exactly when, but it came from someone. Yeah, I definitely know who it is. At first I didn’t know how this one could leave those lovely-disturbing sounds in the most silence sky, but then, I just know it because I like this one, but I don’t want to make this one as my own. But, I need to know what kind of sound this one left. So I can live with it. But when I try to find it, the one that has the answer becomes vague and untouchable. The truth and lies becomes blur in these eyes. But again, I remember someone said, ‘if you want to get the truth, just follow the lies’. Then I followed it with all ammunition I’ve had. But then, I hear voices that make me a little bit down. They said there’s something bad in this one. At first I said back to them and my self, how could someone great like this one did so that? But I hear sir Bono’s sing ‘from the brightest star comes the blackest hole’. It makes me aware that everyone has a secret, so we can’t judge a book by its cover, even from the brightest star it self.
But in the end, no matter bad it is, no matter hurt it is, no matter disappointing it is, no matter hard it is, no matter how disturbing it is, the sound’s still keep coming again and again. So what I hafta do? Should I keep to hear it? Even if I don’t have a time for it? Even when I’m tired to hearing it?
So, Lord I know You’re there. I know it’s only You who’s have the answers of all question. Even I don’t know what sound it is, I just choose to sing it all along…for You, ‘till You give me the answer or ‘till You pick me up to coming back home to You. So give me strength to live with it, give me acknowledge to develop my self with it, and give me Your love cus I need it to love You, only You, so there’s nothing to worry, to doubt or to confuse again.
Let me sing it for You, Lord, all along, all alone.
Jakarta, early Jules 2k8
_never been tough_never been sure_more evil than a saint_but always trying to be pure_
_chup@chups_
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